What do i mean about that is… Waking up knowing you have no world, no goals… Most likely, you wake up empty. It’s not like how i use to feel.. Wake up is wake up. Sometimes you will wake up with love, but now you can think but feel it no longer. It’s not like your love is fading away (for relationship) nor feels like your in the end of it. You love that person so much but you just feel empty to even feel the love… Emptiness brings the best of your soul & body. Hard to understand, but also hard to feel…… Almost every of your morning… No joy in you, anger feels up in you, no… MOTIVATION! You lost everything as time goes by, You lost hope as days goes by, & most of all you lost yourself as minutes goes by! Hard to explain how i feel, but is harder it is on how i feel! It’s not for attention… It’s for help!!!!
I’m too busy saving other people’s life…. & i forgot to save mines 3 lost all my powers. I know i am my own hero but… My nightmares can defeat me… I am my own enemy & hero but im more on the side of being ENEMY!
When will that day be or even come? Where i can not be angry at all small matters, what other people think about me or even the things i think or tell myself those late nights, when can i let go of the things that hurted me from the past, when will that day be when i learn and let myself be more happier!!!
I look at people who inspires me, who have been through what i’ve been through and what i’m going through. Even if i know… I still can’t convince myself to lighten up, to learn, & to know that is wrong thing for myself!
It’s hard to wake up with no bright emotion, no motivation & it almost feel like your whole world is about to fall or even felt like your whole just shut down for you! I know what i have, i accept it! But i ask myself this all night, should i accept it or should i change it?! I have no clear path where should i be heading or how should i even start! I’m clueless, hopeless, no goals, no motivation! I felt like i lost everything in me…. It’s like i don’t what i’m living up for!
I just wish that 1 day; i will be much more happier, no worries on what others think & what sh*t things i tell myself, no more negative! I just want that 1 day to come fast, i had enough! I just need to know how & i will do it! 1 day i know i can, i know i will! I just need to know when, how… & i’ll be on my way for a new journey in my new life!
People thing that people who self-harm or have depression is stupid. But let me tell you something, these people aren’t but as a matter a fact…. These people are more better when it comes to their love ones or partner. They know how pain feels, they know how being left alone feels, they know when you need a friend or someone to accompany you during your lowest, your strom & rain moments. They know better than anyone, without even to tell them they know! & they will actually stuck up to you… But i wonder why you normal people , CAN’T DO THE AMAZING THINGS WE ARE ABLE TO DO! I speak the truth, the experince that i’m having… The victim!
There are times i have my moments to be down, or im tired, restless, just basically negative vibes but i manage to be around you at all cause… I don’t let small matters take the best of me. I know my roles, i know my position towards relationship! Please try to play the same with me… Because one day if myself had enough… Make sure you can bring me back to who i am now!
My brother, my homiee, my bestfriend, my diary, my soulmate, my partner in crime, my love, my boyfriend, my soon to be future, my future, MY EVERYTHING!
How i admire him still being with for 4 years. He watched me grew up, my struggles, my failures & yet he still stay along with me & try to help me out at some points. There is things that are clearly not knowing what to do but i understand. I love him dearly that he put & gave sooo much effort to put me in good mood, brighten up my days even there are things blocking me. He never gave up on me :’) he’s always there when i need him. He advice me, he try to clear things up with me. I really apperciate him so dearly that his love is something i can’t describe anymore. Now words can’t express what ever i feel for him! Just the best for everything!!!
How the hell would anyone expect me to love myself when i can’t even give a inch of love towards myself. I don’t even know how to deal these kind of feeling. It’s really a low self-esteem for myself.
Just an hour ago i got anxiety attack, due to a restuarant. It’s fancy type one where people wear good descent clothes. I start having weird negative feelings, told my boyfriend that i don’t feel right. My palms starts sweating, having weird eye contact & couldn’t even speak. My boyfriend kept insisting we should just not go & do take out but i kept insisting to fight it. But i let my boyfriend have the way. I felt good yet guilty & failure towards myself… My boyfriend did understand, he said it was fine but i don’t know. But what i’m trying to say is, my anexity got the best out of me today… My negative & depression just mixed that time. It’s also my boyfriend’s first time to encounter my anexity. Shocking to know, he notice it without telling him…
The other one would be me & my securities. Maybe boys won’t understand this or maybe it’s just me. Where…. You will be picky about stuff. You like to wear something that shows a bit of your skin but nowadays some clothes or outfit for you it shows way too much more than you could ask for. If boys do the pick they made you choose something that covers up the whole entire thing of you. At this young age, the ones who have figure or young body to say the least well we do have the eger-ness or a thing for wearing something a bit too much. We have flaws, we have insecurities but we do try to make & see the best of it. I can point any flaws of mine & you’ll think it’s ridiculous. I nevy girls who embrace themselves to whoever they are & what they have in their body. I took can be proud but mostly insecurites, negatives, anger manaagement & again anexity did really got the best out of me! If only i knew how to fight this alone i would be happier… I would even proudly say i don’t need anybody cause i got me, myself & i. What i’m dealing with is no joke at all! It bugs me, it scares me, it pisses me off to be like this!!! I wanna get over it, i wanna live how normal people are, i wanna look like them being all strong & tough towards themselves, i wanna handle myself through all shits! I just pray & hope one day i try, i can & i will!
Do you know what’s weird? Even kids younger than you is much more sweeter in their relationship…. Great! Just……. GREAT!!! T.T
Day 25 - Do you know any statistic about self harm?: uhm… I don’t have any.. xS
Day 26 - What is something that makes you the most happy?: Is to be around with my love ones. Before, I was happy when I drink & have a good time with peoples I’m with or even alone.
Day 27 - Discuss any and all progress you have made.: I became more open & I tell people (I trust) how i feel or what I am facing & they are helping me out with all my struggles. I try to be more positive, act positive & think positive as possible as possible :) I even try to smile more even I am just smiling at myself or for no reason to xP
Day 28 - What short term goal do you have?: My goal is 2014 I won’t have to go back to this kind of thing again (can’t promise but willing to try)
Day 29 - Do you follow any self harm blog?: I think I do… But I could say yes I do…
Like I promised I did said I will go back to this question. So here it is. It won’t be long though.
"Find a heart to really say "your gonna end it". It might not be easy but it will take up the whole courage to do so & say so. Open your heart, find someone the people you trust. Don’t be scared though, but you gotta think twice before opening our mouth to anyone (trust me I’ve done that). Yo can talk to your parents, friends or even your love ones, don’t throw them away because you’ll never know if one of them or all of them will be the answer to help you. I know how it feels to be ashamed of this, you don’t really need to talk about this but other stuff to. You guys could do activities that will be positive for you :) But mostly, think about your future.. Like what my boyfriend said ‘Would you like your children to see what your doing & if possible they’ll follow your step in which will look bad & it may destroy yours & their life?’ It takes time to open your eyes & everything. If you need anyone to talk with just voice out :) There are still good heart people out there! Don’t loose hope & faith."